Calm your Grits

Episode 4 - God, is that you?

• Joei Allen

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Joei:

Welcome to Calm Your Grits podcast. I'm your host joei Allen. I'm just your average stay at home mom, homeschool mom and wifey Who loves all things sparkly and anything DIY from party planning to interior design, Basically just a crazy Pinterest Mom. I'm a self proclaimed expert at nothing other than hanging on by a thread. I am living my best life, during what I can only describe as my midlife crisis. This podcast is about nothing and everything. So whether you're here because you can relate or for some comic relief, my hope is that you'll walk away learning something new or at least feel a little less weird about the voices in your head and the decisions you've made in your life Today we are going to pick up on part two of backstory. We left off at the whole, my husband stumbled upon Elevation Church after one of our biggest fights and was like, I don't know where we're going to go from here. All I know is this sermon really spoke to me and I think we should go to church together. So, went to church. I remember It was Mother's Day, Pastor Stephen had opened it up then his wife Holly was actually preaching the sermon that day, it was the first time I heard anything about their daughter. It was the first time I had heard anything about them, period. What I do remember is she preached on. The story of Abigail and their daughter's name was Abigail. So just there, I was like, okay, I'm listening. What I took away from it was that Abigail was sending me a message that she did not want me to be sad, or let her story affect me something along those lines. I don't know. I, maybe I should have actually looked up the story of Abigail and try to figure it out but I did a lot of crying while I was there and when I left, that's kind of the message I took away. So we kept going back and before you come at me with your opinions about Elevation Church, just know that at the time going to Elevation was life changing, it's a mega church, but they have smaller campuses and then on top of that, they really, really encourage you to join small groups, e-groups. For us going to any group was kind of weird I remember meeting them., it wasn't too bad, but I was kind of like, I don't know if this is for me. Long story short, we did end up going back and there were like a core group that became our church squad became our best friends huge roles in our lives for the next handful of years. We were all newlyweds. I think only one couple had a daughter and the rest of us, no kids, we bonded pretty fast. So fast forward found out I was pregnant I had a lot more faith at this point. I was like, okay, I'm pregnant let's just try to stay positive let's pray about it, all the things. Before I was even able to fully process the fact that I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage and I call that my my regular miscarriage because it was, it was early, it was within the first trimester, to where Melina, my water broke at six months and then Abby, my water broke at five months. So my third pregnancy, the miscarriage happened eight ish weeks. Don't quote me on that, but it was a lot sooner. when the miscarriage happened, thank God, I had my church squad. I remember them like, like laying hands on us and praying I remember it just having this peace within me and I was raised Catholic. So this whole like hands on and and it was Catholics don't usually pray out loud or at least Other, like, other than like a priest or, yeah, pretty much that's all, as a Catholic, that's all I ever really heard. This was new to me and I had never experienced anything like it, so. There were huge support in getting me through that without me spiraling. I was at a point where I was like, if this is meant to happen, it will happen. And I just need to be at peace with that. Then April came around and We went to New York. We Went to visit my sister and Lucas's parents still lived close by so We took our, our babies, our dogs, left them with Grandma, and we decided to go and spend a night in the city. We got a hotel room, we took the train down and did the whole New York experience, and then the cherry on top was, I met up with my sister Shana, it had been a long time since I had seen her. We hung out, we went to a bar, and bars close at 4 a. m. in New York, my husband is one of those that likes to shut all the places down once he gets going, there's no,"hey, I'm tired, let's go home" because then I'm boring. We actually had a lot of fun eating all the pizza and going to so many bars and walking a lot, he loves to be like, Oh, it's just around the corner. Next thing you know, you've walked 18 blocks, that's beside the point. We were up till four, we did drink a good amount but not enough to justify how I felt the next morning. I woke up, I thought it was dying and a part of me didn't want to kind of be like I'm dying, I don't want to go out" because the plan was we were going to go hang out with my sister, out to bars and then the next day we were going to go shopping. Husband loves to shop., man, he loves to shop. I used to, but I don't anymore, and I definitely did not at that point. In my mind, I wasn't going to buy stuff that fit me at that time because through all these up and downs with pregnancy, I always, I would say I was in denial that, that was my new size. So I, to me, shopping was just not fun unless it was for shoes, which I do remember getting a pair of Manolo Blahniks. So that was fun but I was completely dying and being like, if I say something, he's going to be so upset. So I just tried to man up. I threw up in 11 different public New York restrooms. Starbucks, we hit that one twice, but I wasn't telling him that I was throwing up. I didn't want to ruin the day. So I'd be like, Oh, I want another coffee and I'd go off to the bathroom, die. Then we were shopping in all different stores and I'd be like, I'm going to go try this stuff on. And I would literally just disappear and just go, go keep throwing up I mean, I was dying. And finally, I think it got to the point where you could see it all over me. I must've been like a green or something. I look like death where he finally was like, are you okay? And even at that point, I didn't want to be like, no, because I had made it however many hours and we only had an hour" left according to the plan that he had laid out. So we got back on the train, went back, got our dogs. it was miserable. We drove like 11 hours if not more, I can't remember, it was, it was a blur. All I remember is I'm like, I'm going to throw up. How do I get him to stop? Because this, this man sees the GPS as a challenge. It says 10 hours, he wants to make it in nine hours and 45 minutes, you do not want to get between him and his fight with the GPS. Somehow I survived and I got back home. Still not okay, we went to work, I stopped throwing up, but I was unwell. Unless it was like food poisoning or something, it didn't really make a whole lot of sense why I was still that sick. So usually, up until the miscarriage, I would know exactly when I was ovulating and when I was going to TMI, when I was going to get my period and all that. But because I felt like it wasn't going to happen I was like, okay, well, I'm not going to keep track because a week before my period. I would start, Hmm, what if I'm pregnant? What if I'm pregnant? What? And that was driving me nuts and that was unhealthy. So this particular time, I think you know where I'm going with it. I was sick. I was sick. And then I look at the dates and I was like, Oh my God, I didn't want to say anything to him. So I remember texting my friend and being like, hey, can you bring me a pregnancy test? And she did. And I'm not very good at hiding things. So before I even took the test, he picked up on what was happening. So took the test, I was pregnant, all the emotions, it was like on one hand, it was like like yay. And then on the other hand, it was like, Oh God here we go again, this was my fourth pregnancy, but I felt God show up and like a couple things as I was sharing my story with my friends, my church squad. I remember two separate occasions, someone mentioning Dr. Bell, her being some kind of miracle doctor. And obviously I wasn't gonna go back to the doctors that I had my, the OBs that I had worked with because I just wasn't going to. So as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I tracked down Dr. Bell, made an appointment, went in, on one end, I was hopeful and then on the other side, I was like, Oh God, just brace for impact kind of thing. And there was something about meeting Dr. Bell she listened, read through my charts, did all the things and legit. I'm pretty sure I was there for two hours during my first, appointment, she stands up and she prays with me, what doctor prays with you to me, this was new. She was like, I can't give you an explanation of what happened, based on the tests and everything you've done and that you've brought me all I know to do is to just bring out all the, uh, procedures to, to help. She scheduled me for a cerclage and that is usually for patients that have, Something called incompetent cervix, but based on when my cervix was measured, after my water broke and all that, nothing pointed towards that but she was like, I don't know. Let's do that. She was like, I'm going to put you on hormones we're going to do bed rest where we're just going to throw everything at you. And she was like, I feel like you're here for a reason. I have a really good feeling I think it's going to happen. That's not normal doctors don't usually tend to give you hope or even bring God into the conversation regardless of if they believe in God or not. You know, it's very science, science, science. I just, I remember having a lot of peace after meeting her. She also sent me to maternal fetal medicine brought some specialists in and I was getting, I was getting evaluated by, I think it was like a team of four doctors, her being the main one. Then at 11 weeks, they go in and they sew your cervix shut and it was so crazy because when I showed up for that procedure to get my cerclage put in, I go by Joei. It That's my middle name and usually anytime, any kind of doctor or anything like that, it's always, they call me by my first name. I didn't see her until we were in the OR and her coming in and going, all right, Joei, let's do this and there was something about her calling me by my name. I was like, she remembers me. She knows who I am, prays with me again, then, they put me under, did the procedure, comes back to check on me after, sends me home. I remember her calling me, which again, that had never happened. So it was just, it was, it was very reassuring. And I did have like really, really bad anxiety through it. So I remember her explaining all the effects of if she put me on some on, I think it was a Zoloft and, she put it this way, look, Zoloft is not going to change anything regarding your pregnancy. But I do think it'll help and so I was like, all right, let's do it. I trusted her. Like there was so much fear but also a really good support group, lots of praying, just taking it one day at a time and I forgot about this, but another part that gave me this crazy reassurance was before I knew I was pregnant. We went to church Lydia from the Bible was brought up and I was like, that's that's a weird name, but okay. I wrote it down and She was some kind of strong independent Which for back in the Bible days? business women weren't a thing right and she sold purple. I probably sound like an idiot, but it had something to do with purple dye and purple is my Grandmother's favorite color and it's been really weird in a couple instances in my life where that color purple has shown up and I've been like that's weird. When I left church and Again, this is a this is not a Catholic thing that I was used to but when you go to church they give you this little pad for you to take notes on Taking notes at church was new for me, but I played along when I would hear something that I wanted to remember I would write it down I remember writing the name Lydia on the corner Okay, so that's like one part of the story. And then, not too long after that, I had the weirdest dream. I really wish I would have written all this down while it was happening, because I feel like I've little by little forget the, the little details, but the important part of that dream, the best way I can explain it is it felt like we were in a building, along the lines of like when 9 11 happened. We were trying to escape out of this building I can't remember who yelled at me and said something like, don't forget about Lydia. So I woke up and I was like, there's that freaking name again. I didn't say anything. So fast forward. Lucas and I are talking about names and I did decide at that point, no more Joe, because Melina, Melina Joy. Abigail Josephine. So I was like, how about, no more Joe. So we're trying to think of a name and I was like, I think I know the name, um, Lydia. He looked at me weird and I was like, I have to tell you something and you're not going to believe me. I don't care I told him about the dream first. And then I told him about the sermon and, I would take my purse and then usually throw My notes into the purse so my purse is always a mess between work and all the things I just, it was always full of papers and I was like hold on as I'm telling him this, actually, hold on and I'm looking through my purse and I find that thing and I show him in the corner that I had written down Lydia and he was like, no, you didn't. I swear. I'm not making it up. So the whole pregnancy, there was a lot of anxiety, got medicated, did a lot of praying, had a lot of support. Uh, in the process we decided, okay, well, you know, like now it's time to move to the suburbs. So we started looking for houses, found the perfect house. We weren't quite ready to move to Fort Mill after living three years uptown, we felt like Fort Mill was too far. We went as far as South Park so we moved, it was like September ish. Thank God for all our friends. We were still at that age where you don't hire movers, all your friends help you and then you give them pizza and beer. And I was on bed rest, so I couldn't do anything, even though I really wanted to. So fast forward had to have a scheduled C section at 37 weeks and that the date that it was supposed to be was December 5th. And I told Dr. Bell, I was like I'm not planning anything for December 5th pretty sure I mentioned that December 5th was the original date for Melina's baby shower that ended up being the day of her funeral. December 5th was the day my water broke with Abby Jo so I was like, no, December 5th is not going to work for me. So we scheduled it for December 4th. It felt so, so crazy to finally have this beautiful, perfect baby girl, Lydia. The name, even the name, like I can't even take credit for the name. It was like God named her and sent her to me. Since I essentially made the decision to name her Lydia, I was like, well, Lucas, why don't you pick her middle name? Here I am, the name Lydia was like picked by God and came to me in a dream and in a sermon and he picks Mila. So her name is Lydia Mila. Why did he pick Mila? Because he thought Mila Kunis was hot I just went with it. I had a couple other options that I was thinking about but Mila was cute and I had said that he could pick the middle name. Got her home. I had heard about the baby blues and I was definitely a hot mess when we got home. But then as the time passed, Something was off, and after what I assumed were the baby blues that wore off, like I remember that those first few nights were. I couldn't believe someone just would send us home with a baby and not tell us how to take care of it. We didn't know how to swaddle it. Someone asked me, what's your parenting plan? My parenting style. And I was like, um, you're supposed to have a parenting style. My goal right now is just become a parent. And so, I ended up figuring out how to swaddle her and, and all of that. And I was obsessed with her. Nothing else mattered other than her and keeping her safe because I was terrified something was going to happen to her. At the time I didn't. I don't exactly know what it was. Someone had thrown out like postpartum depression, but all I knew about postpartum depression was that it's when you can't connect with your baby. And that was not the case for me. Connecting with my baby was all I could do that felt right at the moment. I felt completely psychotic. I knew something was off, but I didn't know what it was. I thought maybe, you know, I was just exhausted or whatever. And keep in mind that I, at this point, I've been, I had been in a lot of therapy, done the medications, psychiatrist, all the things. So I consider myself a mental health, veteran, right? Like it wasn't like I was opposed to having mental health treated, but I was like, it's not postpartum depression. I love her. It's not that, so complete denial. And that's where I'm going to end part two of my backstory. Next episode, I will get into how I figured out that it was postpartum depression, treatments and my journey, for now, I wanted to give this really long backstory everything else would make sense. I would love it if you would subscribe and follow me on all the social media thingies. Thanks again for listening to another episode of Calm Your Grits podcast until next time. Bye.